Addiction
by SirIntegrity
Summary: Documents the events of the progression of the Twilight virus in Seras, Integra, and finally, Alucard himself, from the first time they pick it up to going to see "Twilight" on the big screen. Some "Breaking Dawn" and movie spoilers.


Disclaimer: I don't own anything. No threats to Stephenie Meyer are serious.

Alucard was wandering around, looking for someone to intimidate, when he heard his young innocent fledgling from his master's office scream at the top of her lungs, "YOU BITCH!!!"

This begged to be investigated.

He teleported to her office and stood in a corner. His eyes widened as he saw a t-shirt balled up in Seras's fist and Sir Integra on the ground, her only top being her bra.

"You went to the dark side!" Seras growled.

"Face it; Edward is nothing but an overprotective, overly romantic emo," Integra snarled. Seras snorted.

"Better than some smelly, perverted, moody, smelly werewolf!"

"Bella's in little danger of being eaten by Jacob!"

"Edward would NEVER eat Bella!"

"Bet me!"

"Well, the myth that Integra has breasts has been proven true," Alucard announced his presence. Seras's mouth fell open and Integra covered her chest, "Oh, I'm supposed to ask why you're ripping Sir Integra's shirt off, aren't I?"

Seras unballed her fist and revealed a t-shirt that said "Team Jacob" with three claw marks. Alucard stared at it.

"I'm still not sure what this has to do with a topless Integra."

"It's Twilight. Outsiders don't understand," Integra muttered.

"Put a shirt on and then try me. Or the other way around," Alucard added slyly. Integra quickly left the room, seething at the indignation.

**Flashback**

Integra avoided the basement as much as she could. But she had not seen Seras for the past two weeks and was worried about the fledgling. She heard Seras from clear down the hall.

"Oh god, don't leave her again!" She jumped as the young draculina screamed. She paused a moment in confusion but continued.

There was a hard thud and the sound of shuffling as Integra knocked.

"Come in," Seras called sweetly. Integra opened the door, "Oh, Sir Integra! Was there something you needed?"

"Not particularly. Who were you screaming at?" Seras glanced sheepishly back at the table she was sitting at.

"Edward Cullen," she admitted. Integra took a few steps in.

"Who's he?"

"A fictional vampire," she sighed, "It's this series I'm reading. It, it's just so well-written, I feel...I feel like the characters are real," Integra glanced at the cover.

""New Moon"?"

"It's the second book. Really, it's hard to stop with just one."

"And it's about vampires?"

"Yes, but it's much more than that. It's about a girl who moves to this dreadful small town where it rains a lot, but that's perfect for the vampires because they can't go out in the sun or else they glitter, anyway the girl falls in love with Edward, who is the-"

"Did you just say that vampires..._glitter_ in the sunlight?"

"Well, the author doesn't exactly have her facts straight, but it's mostly about this dramatic, impossible romance between a girl and a boy that are worlds apart. Bella and Edward are the next Juliet and Romeo," Integra made a face.

"It sounds like that YouTube video where the snake befriends its lunch. Have the girl have a papercut in front of him and then we'll see how "deep" this romance is," Seras burst out laughing. She composed herself quickly, not wanting to give anything away, "Hold on a minute, before you start judging..." Seras went to her nightstand and picked up a thick book, "Give it a chance. I mean, just hearing the plot line is laughable, but you really have to read it to understand," she held the book out to Integra. Integra took it skeptically, looking at the cover. A pale-armed girl was holding an apple and, in lovely print above it, "Twilight".

"Alucard is rolling in his coffin right now," she muttered. She took a deep breath, "I'll give it a try, but I'm not promising anything," Seras grinned.

"It's addicting," she warned.

&&&

"What the hell, Seras?!" Seras looked at Integra confusedly.

"What?"

"It's been a month and I've been forcing my way slowly through this yawn fest of a book!" She slammed "Twilight" down onto the table, "Halfway through this damn thing and it's still as boring as the first chapter! Edward's a complete jerk towards her, doing all this hormonal male PMS crap, and she has to spend 10 pages thinking about everything that happens with him!"

"Have you gotten to Port Angeles yet?"

"Yes! Why won't he just come out and say he's a vampire?!" Seras laughed.

"Not everyone is as forward as Master."

"But really, it's so painfully obvious."

"Maybe to someone who was born knowing they exist. Please, Sir Integra, I promise it gets better," Integra sighed.

"I'll finish it," she said resentfully and then left.

8 a.m. that next morning, Seras woke up to the sound of shuffling and soft cursing. Seras lifted her lid.

"Sir Integra?" She asked. She looked guiltily at Seras.

"I was trying not to wake you," she murmured.

"What did you need?"

"…the sequel," Seras laughed.

"It's in the nightstand drawer," she heard Integra shuffling over to the nightstand.

"After the baseball game, after meeting those rogues… I couldn't put the stupid book down. It was like a drug to an addict. I don't even know why."

"She's a good writer," Seras agreed sleepily. Sir Integra smirked.

"Go back to sleep, Seras. I'm sorry for waking you," she left and Seras closed her coffin again.

Only to be woken up later when Integra learned of Edward leaving Bella.

**Flashback Ends**

"I don't understand why you would want to be with a guy who left you for no reason," Integra reasoned.

"Because he left you to protect you!"

"Bull," Integra called.

Alucard blinked away the glazed-over expression.

"What's the point of this book series?" He asked.

"ETERNAL LOVE!" They both screamed. He rubbed his temples.

"I think I'm missing something. So this "vampire", and I use the term very _very_ loosely, is in love with some clumsy human with low self-esteem?"

"It's a lot more complicated than that," Seras insisted.

"Yes, apparently a werewolf named Jacob comes in at some point. Then there's a couple dozen names you two have tossed around that I don't even know what race they are."

"Then read it yourself," Seras challenged. Alucard shrugged.

"It can't be that bad," he reasoned.

&&&

Just a few hours later, Alucard's raucous laugh shattered through the floors of the Hellsing mansion. Integra jumped to her feet, her eyes wide. Seras ran frightened into the room, as though Integra was capable of protecting her. Integra left the room, quickly going down the stairs.

"What is _that_ about?!" Walter asked.

"I don't know, but I don't like the sound of it. I want a head count of the soldiers."

Integra charged down into the basement and into Alucard's room. He was on the ground, curled up from laughing so hard, blood red tears coursing down.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" She asked.

"He…he…he…he…" He panted.

"He who?" Seras asked, worried. Alucard managed to regain enough composure.

"Edward's…GAY!" He burst into another fit of laughing. Integra's muscles relaxed.

"…Oh. Well, if that's all-"

"That's all?! He just called Edward Cullen gay and _you're_ going to stand for it?!" Seras squealed at Integra's lack of emotion. She lunged at him.

Before Integra could blink, Alucard had Seras on her back, his laugh stopping.

"Oh sure, you get aggressive when a fictional character's sexuality is discovered."

"EDWARD ISN'T GAY!!!!"

"I'm sorry, Seras, but come on. Bella's just a cover," Integra said. Alucard chuckled.

"Seriously. He's over a hundred and still a virgin, lives with his "parents", and _sparkles in the sun_," Alucard barely got the last part out through his hysterical laughing.

"Edward isn't gay, Edward isn't gay, Edward isn't gay," Seras chanted, bloody tears rolling down her cheeks.

The next couple nights were interrupted by random outbursts of laughter from Alucard. And each time he did, a character's sexuality was brought into question. Hardly any straight characters were left by the time Alucard was done with "Eclipse".

"Is this seriously it?" Alucard asked his fledgling when he returned it, " "Sorry Jacob, Edward won, go run off to Canada"?"

"Stephenie Meyer's writing one more, "Breaking Dawn". It's coming out in August," Seras informed him. Alucard growled and stormed off.

Integra sighed as she heard him load the Casull downstairs.

"Alucard, where are you going?" She called.

"Volterra, then Forks, then wherever Mrs. Meyer lives."

"They don't exist. It's just a story," she said calmly as she shuffled her papers. He appeared in her office.

"I am not risking the chance that sparkly queer vampires _do_ exist. They're making a laughing stock of the vampiric race."

"I am sure Stephenie Meyer made them up. Anne Rice and Stephen King are bawling their eyes out somewhere, but that's the most impact she's made on the vampire community."

"Spoken by a human," he muttered. Integra sighed.

"Don't hurt Mrs. Meyers; she doesn't know what she's talking about."

"Like hell I'm going to let her get away with her making a mockery of the supernatural," Alucard turned dramatically, "I will come home with Jacob's pelt, Alice and Jane as my concubines, and an advanced copy of "Breaking Dawn"."

"Godspeed, my brave warrior," Integra gave a thumbs-up to his back. Who was she to say he had gone overboard? She was the one who had dreamed about doing it with Emmett last night.

&&&

Months passed slowly as the Twilight trend slowed. But it picked right back up as the release date for "Breaking Dawn" neared. Seras, Sir Integra, and Alucard had all preordered their own copies. Now, Seras and Integra were waiting in the extensive line for the midnight release.

"Jacob's going to crash the wedding," Integra predicted.

"Well of course _that's_ going to happen. How about a real prediction now?" Seras said. Integra sighed.

"I don't know. The Denali clan fall off the vegetarian band wagon. Victoria's evil twin sister comes for revenge. Bella has Sam's puppies; what do you want from me?"

"Something reasonable," Seras muttered. She inhaled sharply, "Do you think Edward will do it?"

"Do what?"

"Bite her!"

"Sure, why not? Real question is will he kill her?" Seras gave a small growl. Integra glanced around, "Where's Alucard? He was going to come with..."

With that introduction, Alucard wheeled a cartful of "Breaking Dawn"s outside. The line of fan girls, Seras included, erupted into squeals of joy. Integra clutched her ears, cringing at the enthusiasm. She was also the only one to notice that all of the books were doused in liquid. Alucard turned over the cart, spilling the books out onto the pavement. Before the eager fan girls could even move towards them, Alucard threw down a lighted match.

Wails of fan girls rose with the flames as the sacred texts went up in smoke. Alucard howled with laughter like a Quileute burning the remains of a cold one. Seras lunged herself at him.

"YOU MONSTER!!! HOW COULD YOU!?!?!?!" Seras sobbed, falling short. Alucard watched apathetically as fan girls all around him curled into the fetal position and wept like their mother just died.

"It's a book," he stated, and then proceeded to tiptoe his way through the sea of broken hearts towards Integra.

He conspiratorially displayed the only surviving copy of the tragedy in his trench coat.

"I'll give it to you after I'm finished," he promised. Integra grinned.

"Good boy."

&&&

Alucard was silent. He hadn't laughed in a long time. Integra couldn't concentrate on her work; her mind was on "Breaking Dawn". A disappointment? A sob story? Actually pleasing in the eyes of the No-Life-King? No, the only way Alucard would be pleased… Oh great. The Cullens had been wiped out.

He phased into her office a mere 12 hours after beginning. She searched his face. Solemn.

"All right, don't tell me… Well, just… No! No, no, I don't want to spoil it… But I want to know," she fought with herself. Alucard set the book in front of her.

"Give away whatever premonitions you have beyond the wedding."

"Really?"

"Well, at least I didn't think it was a possibility," Alucard looked at her, "Marcus speaks."

It took a minute for it to register.

"Marcus? From the Volturi? Speaks?"

"Yes, that's right."

"…Wow. I thought he was just some corpse."

"Downright sign of the apocalypse," he backed away and grinned, "Pillows," he said, laughed, and vanished.

&&&

A sign was posted outside of Sir Integra's office in bold red letters, "Please Do NOT Disturb". Her inbox overflowed with e-mail unchecked because of her turned off computer, her phone left off the hook, her intercom system shut down. Walter ignored the sign and went into her office.

"Sir Integra! I've been-"

"Walter, shhh!" She didn't even look up from the page, "You can't do this, Sam. You've always been a bit of an asshole, but if you kill Bella or her baby, _that_ is unforgiveable and you will lose your small yet loyal fandom!"

"Sir-"

"You knew he was going to bite her! If you were such a great Alpha, you would have _planned_ for this!"

"Set the book down for a minute, Sir Integra," Integra glared up at him.

"Do not speak such blasphemy."

"We have a rogue-"

"Get Alucard on it; he's finished it. Or Seras."

"Father Maxwell's been trying to get through all morning."

"Tell him I'm dead or something," Not like it was far from the truth, Walter thought. Since when did a book come before her organization?

"He says he must speak with you," Integra sighed.

"Fine, patch him through. I need a bathroom break, anyway. And food would be good… When was the last time I ate?" She asked herself, finding a suitable bookmark as she put the phone in its receiver.

Not ten seconds later, it rang. She picked it up.

"I can't believe her! Why, Alice why did you do that?!" Maxwell screamed, saying a few choice words in Italian.

"What are you talking about, Maxwell?"

""Breaking Dawn", of course!"

"No! Don't say anything!"

"You haven't finished?!"

"I just got to the part where Sam has decided to kill the baby."

"So you don't even know about Renesmee yet?"

"So help me, God, I will hang up on you."

"You haven't even met Vampire Bella-" Integra went through with her threat. The phone rang and she sighed, picking it up, "That wasn't a spoiler; we've all known since the first book it was going to happen eventually."

"That's true."

"There's going to be a movie coming out in December, you know?"

"Really? That soon?"

"Yes, I saw it on the "Penelope" DVD. Trailer sucks like a heretic, but Jacob imprinted on Bella's daughter."

"Nooooo! You sneaky bastard!" His laughter echoed in her head as she slammed the phone down and then set it off the receiver. She looked up at a confused Walter, "The Twilight virus has spread more than I think even Stephenie Meyer imagined. It has now infected Vatican City."

"You mean, Father Maxwell…?"

"Yes. Dispatch Alucard, first to take care of the rogue, then to pop Maxwell's eyes out of their sockets for spoiling "Breaking Dawn"," she picked up the book again.

"…Aren't you going to eat?"

"I can go three weeks."

"And the bathroom?"

"Oh, right," Integra stood up and, without taking her eyes off the print, headed towards the WC.

Meanwhile, in Vatican City…

"What're ya doin'?" Father Maxwell shrieked and began stuffing his four books, underneath the bed.

It was too late, though, he saw in Father Anderson's surprised and slightly bemused eyes. He had been caught. Father Maxwell kneeled before Father Anderson.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. Big time."

"Aren't those the vampire teenage love books?" He fished one out. Ironically, "Breaking Dawn". He flipped to a page and began reading. His eyes widened. And continued to widen. He read in silence for several minutes, becoming more and more shocked and appalled.

He finally threw the book down.

"Garbage!" He declared, "Vile, corrupt use of the printing press! I will neva look at my pillows the same way again!" He then looked at Maxwell, "I will pray for ya," he promised and then left.

Of all the scenes in the book, Father Maxwell thought dejectedly, he had to read the Isle Esme honeymoon scene.

&&&

"Marcus speaks," Integra announced. Seras's eyes widened.

"No way!"

"I know," she handed the book to Seras. She grabbed it eagerly, "Pillows," Integra said with a smile.

"What?"

"It'll make sense later. There's a movie coming out, too," Seras looked up at her.

"Yeah…you just found out?"

"Well, excuse me from not being a stalker fan."

"Hey, I just check for updates on her website," Seras began reading and Integra left her to it.

The next few days were filled with Breaking Dawn quotes and talk. Then, everything leveled out for a month or so. Then, the trailer officially came out.

"Oh. My. Gosh," Seras said. Integra came into her office.

"Seras, what are you doing?" At my computer, she finished mentally. Seras looked at Integra, the disappointment radiating from her.

"If the trailer is any indication of the movie, then I am going to be very, very disappointed. Robert Pattinson is playing Edward."

"Robert who?"

"Exactly," Seras pulled up a separate tab and Googled an image. Integra's eyes widened.

"_That's_ the incredibly gorgeous Edward Cullen?"

"He's not _my_ Edward," Seras declared.

Alucard morphed through the wall into the room. Figured, Integra thought. He was attracted by misery.

"Master, it sucks!" She whines. He briefly read her mind to see what she was talking about.

"Well, of course it does. What else can you expect from a book-to-film-adaptation?"

""Prince Caspian" was better than the book," Seras defended.

"Can you name any more?" Integra asked. Seras opened her mouth, and then closed it when she realized she couldn't.

"Let's see it," Alucard said. The trio crowded around the computer screen and watched it.

It showed Bella and Edward in the school parking lot. It was hard to focus with all of the fading in and out. They watched as Bella packed her bag, Edward staring at her intensely. Tyler's van began to skid on the ice, heading towards a horror-stricken Bella.

"Why doesn't she move?" Integra asked.

"What cheesy acting," Alucard muttered.

"Oh come on, you two!" Seras said.

"What the heck? They stare at each other for however long and then he just walks away," Alucard laughed.

"Isn't she the girl from "Speak"?" Integra asked.

"Yeah."

"Why is she playing Bella? She's too dramatic."

"I think she'll be wonderful as the Queen of Drama," Alucard grunted.

"But Bella has a playful side as well. I think they're both a bit too serious," Seras said.

"You're judging this based on a trailer," Alucard reminded her, smiling as one of his favorite lines were said. _What if I'm not the hero? What if I'm the bad guy?_ He should've said that to Integra when they first met and watch the little girl get either nervous or angry.

"I want to do that with an apple," Seras whimpered.

"Could the dialogue be any cheesier?" Integra wondered.

"All this fading in and out just gives me a headache," Alucard complained.

"WOOHHH!!!" Seras said during the kiss. Integra rolled her eyes.

"Oh my gosh…James is hot," Integra said, shocked.

"I know! In what alternate universe is the baddie hot?" Alucard glared at his fledgeling, "You're not a bad guy, Master."

"Well, I'm sure not the hero," he argued. He peered at the screen, "Laurent is black?"

"Cultural diversity," Integra explained. She arched an eyebrow, "Did Rosalie just protect Bella?"

Alucard closed out of the Internet.

"Well, I am not going after that poor display of faithfulness," he decided.

"I HAVE TO SEE IT!" Seras exclaimed.

"It promises to be the most sappy thing since "Titanic". Any true vampire is going to be crying in shame once they release it," Integra sent down in her chair and typed in Fandango.

"I don't think it will be up yet," Alucard said.

"I'll be ready. We'll need the midnight tickets, unless you want to go in the daytime," Alucard hissed like a wet cat. Integra smirked, "And those fan girls will be clamoring for them."

"Oh! I've never been to a premiere before!" Seras cheered.

So Integra and, as she slept, Alucard diligently watched Fandango. The tickets came up and Alucard snatched three of them. If he didn't go, he'd hear about it even longer. Then again, Integra would probably force him to go anyway.

The weeks went by slowly, littered with Twilight talk/predictions and trips to Hot Topic to gear up (usually resulting in a small fight between Integra of Team Jacob and Seras of Team Edward, which Alucard watched laughing until an employee separated them). But the night finally came and the trio got ready.

"Alucard!" Integra shouted from the second story down towards the basement.

"…What?"

"Have you been in my clothes again?"

"…Why?"

"Someone crossed the "don't" out of "I don't want to be a monster" on the back of my "Twilight" sweatshirt."

"…Seras! I know you two don't see eye to eye, but to go and vandalize her sweatshirt-" Integra sighed and went down the stairs.

They met at the basement opening. Integra glared at Seras's "Team Edward" shirt and Seras glared at Integra's "Team Jacob" shirt. In addition, Seras was wearing a Twilight sweatshirt with the "Cullen crest" on the back. After a tense moment, they both complimented each other on their sweatshirts. Alucard sighed.

"You two are ridiculous. It's a fictional character's boyfriend."

"Well, I'm not the one who looks for the Volturi and writes threatening e-mails to Stephenie Meyer during his free time," Integra retorted. Alucard shrugged.

"If it gets her to write a book for Nessie, then you can taunt me all you want."

"Master, you said you'd pick a team by the time the movie came out," Seras whined. Alucard grinned.

"And pick I did. It was a hard decision, but I eventually settled on the best overall person of the series," Integra and Seras both grinned, sure that they had persuaded Alucard to their side.

Alucard shrugged off his trench coat to reveal a black shirt with white iron-on letters, his team displayed on his chest. Team Alice.

"ALICE AND BELLA!?!?!?!?!?!" Integra and Seras shrieked. Alucard wrinkled his nose.

"Hell no! Alice is mine! It was hard, between her and Jane, but I had to go with Alice. I mean, come on. It's _Alice Cullen_," he looked at them, "Isn't the point of teams being who you would want to bang?"

"If that was the case, I'd be Team Emmett or Team Jasper," Integra said.

"I think it was originally for who would be best with Bella, but other fans twisted it," Seras said. Integra rolled her eyes. If she was such a purist, then why was she wearing a crest that the directors just put in for some odd reason and had nothing to do with the series?

"We should probably get going," Integra said. Seras looked at her wristwatch.

"The movie doesn't start for a good hour and a half still."

"Yes, but I want a good seat."

Alucard somehow managed to drive at 300 kph without killing anyone or smashing the car into anything. After he was properly ridiculed about the fact that one of the passengers was most certainly not undead, they continued on towards the theater. The lobby was already full of Twilighters, playing cards or reading the books.

"It's good we left when we did," Alucard said. Seras nodded her agreement.

They were just about to enter when an employee cut them off.

"Are you here for the 12:01 showing of "Twilight"?" The pudgy middle aged woman asked. Seras squealed while Integra and Alucard quietly grinned.

"Yes," Integra answered.

"You'll have to wait out here."

"What?!" They chorused. The employee threw up her hands.

"Sorry, fire safety regulations; we've reached our max."

"Listen, we paid a ridiculous amount of money to sit in a chair for a few hours and vicariously live a more exciting life. The least you can do is prevent my master from catching an annoying cold due to a frosty November morning," Alucard hissed.

"Sir, I'm sorry, but-"

"Oh, you will be sorry! I'm bringing out the big gun now!" Alucard reached into his trenchcoat. Integra rested her hand on his arm.

"This isn't Millennium, Alucard. Don't shoot the messenger," he growled, but withdrew an empty hand. The employee went back inside, oblivious to how literal the phrases were.

Alucard glanced at Integra, noticing her rosy cheeks and sniffling nose. He shrugged off his coat.

"Alucard, I've got a sweatshirt on. I'm fine," Integra insisted.

"Like I need it," he scoffed, offering it to her. Seras's hands went to her mouth. Alucard glared at her, "Don't you even compare me to that vegheaded pixie."

"Oh, come on. You're so protective of Integra, it's hard not to compare you to Edward," Integra burst out laughing (which was the equivalent to a chuckle of a normal person).

"Oh god! If he was like Edward, I'd have to kill him. He's overprotective enough as is."

"If she was Bella, she'd probably be dead by now."

"If he was Edward, Bella wouldn't have lasted the first biology class."

"If she was Bella, she would've figured out Edward was a vampire A LOT sooner."

They spent a good five, ten minutes playing the "if she/he were Bella/Edward" while Seras kept her thoughts to herself. She thought they were very similar to Bella and Edward…except for maybe the "lion and lamb" analogy. It was more like the violent, blood-loving Tasmanian devil and the guarded, snarky porcupine. Then, a couple fan girls came squealing into the line.

"Omg, I love your contacts!" Alucard glanced back to see a brunette girl wearing the same exact sweatshirt as Integra looking up at him.

"Um, thanks."

"They're kind of the wrong color, though," A tall blonde with a Twilight t-shirt underneath her jacket said.

"Wrong color?"

"Were they out of gold ones?" A black haired girl with a t-shirt of Bella and Edward at the prom asked.

"I'm not a human hugger, all right? Vegetarianism might work for the Cullens and the Denalis, but I like humans."

"You're…you're not a good vampire?" The blonde whimpered.

"Um, hell no?" The black haired girl and the blonde cried out, while the brunette and another long haired black haired girl high fived him.

The hour passed slowly. A man for the local paper interviewed some of the more flamboyant fans, and another handed out bookmarks, promoting the soundtrack. Finally, after several false hopes, they were allowed in as they began taking tickets. Integra ordered Alucard to get some popcorn and soda, which resulted in a scuffle with another fan who insisted he had cut. After a little blood and a small scare, things were straightened out.

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh," Seras chanted as they sat down in the movie theater.

"Calm down, police girl," Alucard murmured.

"YOU'LL NEVER BE JASPER, MASTER! NEVER!"

&&&

Integra and Alucard glared as Seras came towards the car.

"Hey guys," she said sheepishly. She was ignored, "Have a nice time in the car?" More silence, "Oh come on! You would've hated the ending!"

"Do you hear something, Integra?"

"Yes, a faint whining, almost like a mosquito."

"I think it's a traitor."

"Like I was going to admit to knowing you two the way you were acting! Laughing hysterically and talking the entire movie!"

"We didn't get to see the entire movie. We were thrown out by overreacting fans, remember?" Integra said bitterly.

"Hey, in all fairness, I didn't know it was going to be a comedy," Alucard defended.

"It was sweet and beautiful but you two cannot handle the tenderness with your two-sizes-too-small hearts!"

"They had the cripple driving a truck he doesn't own and Edward looks weird, okay? And a million other little things," Alucard muttered.

"You laughed during the meadow scene!" Integra and Alucard exchanged glances.

"I don't remember the meadow scene…" Integra murmured.

"When they were in the woods?!"

"_That_ was the meadow scene? I want my daydreams back," Integra grumbled.

"You mean when he, he…_sparkled_?!" Alucard sputtered. He and Integra burst out into a fresh peal of laughter. Seras narrowed her eyes.

"Summit Entertainment is not a large production company. They worked with what they had."

"Yeah, Claire's body glitter and sweat!" Alucard said. Seras sighed.

"I am never going to another vampire movie with you two again," she vowed. Their laughs finally came under control.

"Oh, we'll just get the DVD rather than get thrown out again," Integra decided.

Seras listened to them ridicule the movie the whole way home and how they both unanimously hated the movie. The book was much better.

A month later, Integra came into Seras's room, excited.

"What is it?" Seras asked.

""New Moon" is now in production!"

The vicious love-hate cycle of the Twilight fandom was never ending.

**End**

I could've been a whole lot worse. But, I was a little tired of how long the supposed "one-shot" was getting, so I ended it. Confession time: Yes, I'm a "Twilight" fan. It's a love-hate relationship with me; I love the characters and the plot, but you really just want Bella to go die and Stephenie Meyer took creative license with vampires instead of conforming to the traditional vampire lore. And it's puke-worthy romantic, which doesn't bode well with my pessimistic nature. I was a fan before it became popular, and Alucard could kick all of their sparkly asses. And if I am offered free movie tickets, even if it's the midnight premiere, I'm going to go. DON'T JUDGE ME!!!!! *cries in a corner screaming for Jasper and Alucard in turn*.


End file.
